Am I Expendable?

I almost ended up working second shift when I first applied for this job.  That was their initial offer.  I’m glad I didn’t take it.  Second shift has to stay after all the fun people leave.

I’m trying to figure out how long they’re going to need me.  The job may be “temp to hire” but I could easily see them yanking out that second part.  I think I’m going to take some interest in the other departments.  Maybe if I’m good at other things, they’ll at least pause before giving me the chop.

The job can get monotonous.  This is very different from the other jobs I’ve had.  I could probably blow through my work load in the morning and coast in the afternoon.  Of course, I know they’re looking at my productivity reports, so I’m hesitant.  Wouldn’t they just look at the bottom line, though?  Why wade through the activity log?  I’ll have to find out more info before going down that route.  I don’t even know that my call quota is.

Finding My Groove

Easter was a nice pick-me-up.  It felt good seeing the family.  It felt even better having a job when I saw the family.  I hate showing up to those things while I’m unemployed.  The guilt always gets to me.

Maybe it’s a guy thing.  I just can’t stand not having a job.  It’s not even the fact that I’m not contributing something to society.  It’s more that I’m wasting all the talent my guidance counselors said I was hiding.  Did they have to tell everyone that they were special?  I’ve spent the past 5 months figuring out what I don’t want to do.  I’m glad that’s over with.

I’m adjusting to the new routine at work.  I didn’t make as many mistakes as I did on Friday.  Yay, I’m not completely useless!  I think I’ll be up to speed by the end of the week.  After all the training we went through, it seems the job really just boils down to 2 or 3 key concepts.  I don’t know why they said they were looking for college grads on the application.  I think anyone with a high school diploma could probably get the job done (and they’d probably work harder, too).

I’m really not sure how valuable I am to the company.  Since I’ve been there, I’ve heard my coworkers talk about at least 5 people who were fired left within the past week.  Unfortunately, there will be another large wave of layoffs soon.  Sign of the times I suppose.  Except they keep hiring more people.  I guess they’re just picky.  Kind of like a kid spitting out all the jellybeans he doesn’t like.

My trainer seems distant.  I hope I didn’t freak her out last week.  I should probably patch things up with her.  I don’t want things to be awkward.  Of course, I’d rather have her think that I’m some sleezeball than a nice guy.  How twisted is that?  “You’re a nice guy” is one of the worst insults you can throw at someone.

Reflections

I’ve been reflecting on where my life has taken me.  I ride my bike often, so I have a lot of time to think.  I realize that I need to put some serious thought into my future career.  There are quite a few burnouts in my office.  I hope that’s not what I look like to them.

I’ve been “thinking” about going back to school for a while now, but it’s more of a necessity than an ideal at this point.  My skill set is severely limited.  Having a B.A. in psych really doesn’t qualify me to do much.  Throughout school, I worked for several nonprofit organizations, gaining what I thought were transferable skills.  Unfortunately, the business world does not share that view.

I apologize if I come across as jaded.  I earn enough money to support myself, so I should be happy.  It’s just that I really don’t have many paths to choose from.  I have a little experience in a lot of things.  I know a little xhtml, a little php and a little math.  I have a little conflict resolution experience, a little counseling experience and a little teaching experience.  I couldn’t pursue a career in any one of these avenues, though and it kills me.

There’s not much that separates me from most job candidates.  Everyone knows how to use a computer.  Most people can resolve arguments with a little effort.  If I want to secure a job that I can be proud of, I’ll have get some sort of post-graduate degree.  I knew that I would face this hurdle eventually.  I thought that I would have a little more momentum, though.

My ideal career would involve solving complex problems.  I would work on a set of long-term projects and see my ideas through to fruition.  The results of my efforts would exact a measurable change in people’s lives.  For now, I’ll have to settle for quick fixes that make small changes in people’s lives.  I’m just a screw in a submarine.  I know that others are counting on me to do my job, but I also know that if I didn’t show up for work one day not much would change.

Options

It’s nice having a lot of hot coeds at work.  Usually, the women I work with are old and married.  I’ll have to figure out a way to take advantage of this situation.  I can’t hit on everyone.  I don’t want to end up being that sketchy guy at work.

I think I forgot how to flirt.  I was caught off guard yesterday when my trainer started asking increasingly intimate questions.  “What do you do for fun?” “Are you seeing someone?” “What are you looking for in a relationship?”  I think she might be interested.  The conversation started out ok, but I eventually crumbled under pressure.  “I like riding my bike.” “Not exactly.” “I try to play the field.”  It could have been worse.  I could have told her that I’m single and horny.

I’m not too disappointed because things are going well with Siren.  I finally asked for her number yesterday.  We’ll see where that takes us.  She’s going out tonight, so I probably won’t see her this weekend.  I wouldn’t mind going out for a second date next week.

The actual work wasn’t too bad, either.  I flew solo for the first time yesterday.  I did make a few flubs.  When I get nervous, I jumble my words together.  I’ll have to work on that.  I didn’t burn the building down though, so I’m happy.

Business and Pleasure

Tuesday night’s date was fun. We went to the movies. It was weird at first, but that eventually subsided.  She’s fun to hang out with.  I wouldn’t mind seeing her again.

We met up at the cinemas.  Not my usual style, but it worked out fine.  I really wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that the way she dressed would set the pace for the relationship.  Sweatshirt / sweatpants: she doesn’t give a fuck.  Dress: she’s reading too far into this.  She showed up in a zip cardigan and jeans: so far so good.

Let’s look at some of the good points:  I paid for the tickets, we laughed (a lot), she nestled in when I put my arm around her.  Based on this, I can confidently say that we did not go out as coworkers or friends.

It wasn’t a perfect night, though.  I didn’t ask her if she wanted popcorn, I didn’t ask for her number, and I didn’t kiss her at the end of the night.  Fortunately, these can be remedied later (hopefully).  Not a bad night, I’d say.  She also asked if I was getting up early in the morning.  I told her I was going to the gym (I did).  I could have probably gone a different route with that, but I absolutely did not want her to see my apartment.  At this point, I may need to hire a hazmat team to cleanse the place.  Maybe I’ll see her this weekend.

What wasn’t fun was showing up to work the next day.  I spend 8 hours a day with her in training.  That’s a lot of time to fill.  George Castanza had it right.  You cannot combine two universes.  There is the office me and the after hours me.  They operate very differently.  Their brains reside in very different places.  It didn’t help that Siren is unabashedly sexual.  She really doesn’t care who’s around and does not apologize.

As far as my actual job goes, I didn’t mind the work.  We wrapped up training yesterday and received our “graduation” gifts.  Today I shadowed all day.  I’m not 100% confident in my abilities yet, but I’m sure it will come in time.  It better.  Tomorrow, I’m on my own.

Showtime

It looks like I have a date tonight.  It’s $12 total, so I’ll count it.  I don’t really know what to expect.  I don’t want to be late, so keep it brief.

I haven’t really had a game plan so far.  Things are moving smoothly without one, but I would feel better if I had a little more control.  This girl is aggressive, which makes it easier, albeit a bit emasculating.  I’m afraid things could stall at any moment.  AHHHH!  I grasping at straws here.  I’ve got to stop dissecting this.  I have to either get a better grip on the ship or learn to let go.

Shows Improvement

People at the office are finally warming up to me.  I felt like an outsider all of last week.  Crack a few jokes, bust some chops and I’m in.  I guess they just wanted to make sure I wasn’t a robot.  Things are also heating up with siren.  I don’t want to jinx it, but I see us getting together very soon.

It turns out Siren has a friend she’s talking to.  He’s her on-off boyfriend of several years.  This will be a challenge, but I think I can work this.  It’s a gray area because I think they still hook up.  I’ve done worse, so I have no qualms with making a pass here.

The toughest part is figuring out what to do.  Since this is just a hookup, I might be able to get away with dinner and a movie.  I miss those simple dates.  I’m not even sure that I’d call it that.  I think there’s a $10 minimum before hanging out becomes a date.  I’ll make my move tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed.  I want to see what she learned at strippercise.

I have a tendency to sabotage myself at work.  I haven’t been putting forth my best effort.  Maybe it’s my cocky ambitious nature.  I really don’t know.  I just didn’t think that I was going to have to try so hard.  Once I decided to give an honest effort, the job became easier.  Lesson learned.  Walk, then strut.

My next challenge is to make office friends.  I’m getting tired of politely saying hi to everyone.  I don’t want to come across as some sort of hermit.  I eat lunch alone every single day.  I hate it.  I’m hoping that this is just because I’m still locked in the training program.  Once I get closer to the other members of my team, things should flow a little easier.  They seem nice enough.

Tug of War

Siren had a good time at Victoria’s Secret.  Apparently, she bought $200 worth of panties and lotion.  It’s like some sort of cruel joke.  I want to make a move, but I’m scared.  If I didn’t need this job (desperately), I would jump on that in a second.

Siren is a big fan of mixed messages.  After telling me how sore she is because her bed is broken, she calls up her boyfriend.  Then she tells me how much she likes strippercise.  This constant back and forth is giving me a workout.  I’m going to use this weekend to figure out my next move.  Sad? Yes.  I can’t afford to lose this job, though.

Siren

I’m having a tough time reading my coworker.  For now I’ll call her Siren (she’s probably lured a few ships into the crashing rocks).  I’m trying to keep my blinders up so I can get through training.  After yesterday’s stripper incident, I don’t want to take any unnecessary risks.

Before we go on break, she mentions that she’s going to Victoria’s Secret during her lunch break.  It doesn’t look like she’s looking for a long term commitment.  I wouldn’t mind having a fuck buddy.

I can only imagine what the after-lunch conversation’s going to consist of.  This can either go really well (Do you want to see what I got later on?)  or it can go very wrong (You’re an honest guy.  Do you think my boyfriend will like this?)

I’m not going to push the envelope.  Actually, I don’t even know what I’ll do if she brings it up.  I just hope I still have a job after this mind-penis battle.

“I love strip clubs”

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  I thought for a brief moment that I was about to get fired, but apart from that it was business as usual.

I have to do a better job censoring myself at work.  It’s been a while since I’ve been in an office environment and I have a tendency say whatever pops into my head.  For example, when my coworker started talking about how much she liked going to strip clubs, I should have had the common sense to change the subject (especially on the second day).  Instead, my penis took the helm and.  I know I should’ve put up some resistance, but this is not a typical office conversation.

It gets worse because I definitely got caught.  During the middle of the conversation, there was a slight pause and I open up with, “I only go to strip clubs when –”  That is all I managed to get out because my trainer took the opportunity to pop in and announce that we could go on our lunch break.  Busted!  I don’t know how much she heard, but I’m pretty sure she knew enough about what we were talking about.  I can see here now, waiting outside the room for a chance to interrupt this very inappropriate conversation like a double dutch player.

Maybe I should stop thinking about hooking up with my co-workers.  At least until training is over.   That would reduce the temptation to make an ass of myself while I’m still under the microscope.  I can be fired at any moment, so why give them a reason?  It would be a shame to miss out on some booty because I misread a situation.  It would be a disaster to wind up unemployable because of a sexual harassment lawsuit.